Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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