and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
