I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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