Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
