Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
