He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
