I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
