I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
