I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
