Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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