they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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