Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
