The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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