I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
