i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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