I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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