I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
