When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize