it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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