the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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