Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
