I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
