I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
