So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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