im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
