when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
