She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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