someone threw a dead crab at me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
