so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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