Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
