We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
