Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize