i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
