I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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