OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
