i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
