I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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