That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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