My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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