mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
