At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
