I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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