that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So many bounce houses so little time
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
