Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
