if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Every concussion has its silver lining
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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