the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
