this boner is exhausting
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
