maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
