p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
