The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dicks are not precious.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize