I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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