Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
