the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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