You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
