I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
