Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
