I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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