I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
