im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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