i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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