Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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