He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
