This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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