Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
